The truth is I want your love. I’ll do whatever it is you want me to do, what you expect me to be to get your love. If I think you would like me to be mature and put together, fun and funny, I’ll be that. If you want me to be vulnerable and connected I will be that. I will be whatever I need to be to have the security of love. But the truth is also that I am all of these things. It’s my superpower. I am a chameleon. I can be witty and fun, I can be logical and wise. I can talk like a Jane Austen character or like a bro. I can read you like a book and see what it is you need me to be. It’s not that hard either. Identity isn’t solid. Like I said, I am all of these things and more personas too. Identity doesn’t matter. Belonging, connection, love do matter. I need the security of an anchor. For me that anchor happens to be women.

Generally, I don’t trust men. Generally, I love women. In a man’s face I see disconnect, disinterest and self-interest. I also see better than me at the manly arts of remodel, repair and pulling trailers. And no matter how hard I try, I will never win at the board game Risk. The brute force of war and that cold strategy are just not my jam. But in a women’s face I see compassion, caring, love and warmth. I am drawn to the faces that show a natural empathy and if her personality matches, then she’s the most beautiful human I have ever laid eyes on. I would be anything to win her love. And when I can’t have it, I quickly start to feel despair. Like I will never be loved. Like I will never have that anchor of worth and connection if this one woman who I have begun to idolize doesn’t reciprocate.

Then I tell myself I have mommy issues and I am able to purge the feeling within minutes or days, depending on how strong my fascination was and how involved that person is in my life. I start to see her flaws and my idol worship turns to dislike. It all happens quickly. I guess that’s what they mean by “splitting” associated with borderline personality disorder. A black and white evaluation of people–she is either amazing or worthless, no in-between.

I am currently getting better at tempering my idealizing and devaluation waves by accepting that people are complicated. When I idealize someone, I remember my patterns of idealizing, that she has flaws too and I’m probably not seeing the whole picture. When I swing to feeling a person isn’t worth my time, I remember she is loved by God just as I am and has worth. It’s ok if she doesn’t reciprocate my interest, it doesn’t reflect my worth. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea; I don’t have to also hope she chokes on her coffee.